doodling

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Pennsylvania. He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
8. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
9. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
10. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
11. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
12. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
13. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named “Administratium.” Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than one second. Adminstratium has a normal half-life of 3 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. You will know it when you see it.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody couldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. (Katherine Hepburn)

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. (Katherine Hepburn)

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. (Lewis Grizzard)

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. (Oscar Wilde)

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. (Mae West)

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.”

Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants”

Ms Brooks: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?”
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.”

An image I found, source unknown.