doodling

The young woman showed up for her very first prenatal visit, so excited she could hardly contain herself.

“Doctor, is there anything special I should do since I’m carrying twins?”

“What makes you think you’re having twins? It’s really too early for us to tell.”

“I must be. I bought the two-pack home pregnancy test kit, and both tests came out positive!”

Have you ever wondered about the differences between men and women? Well, here is Life Explained.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Pennsylvania. He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

I stumbled on this image over at Renata’s journal.

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
“Hmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,789,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store and have a nice day

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a terrible rain and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately – extremely lucky. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says: - “Perfect timing. You’re just like Sheldon.”

The man says: - “Who?”

“Sheldon Cohen. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time.”

“Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody”, stated the passenger.

“Not Sheldon,” said the cabbie. “He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. He was something!”

“Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy.”

The cabbie continued…”He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”

“Wow, incredible, no wonder you remember him!” said the passenger.

“Well, I never actually met Sheldon” admitted the cabbie.

“Then how do you know so much about him?” asked the passenger.

“After he died, I married his wife.”

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life –until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, nosupplies…nothing… only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,’ he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this?’ replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, but, that’s impossible,” stutters Ed. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

Ed is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?”

“No, no, thank you.’ he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “How about a Pina Colada?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. “Wow! This woman is amazing!” he muses, “What next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know…” She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing: “You mean—”, he swallows excitedly, “I can check my email?!”

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off. Otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands…

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“And why is that Eve?”

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“Man? What is that Lord?”

“A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and willlike to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch Lord?”

“Well…….you can have him on one condition.”

“And what’s that Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring……. so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first….. and it will have to be our little secret..
…You know, woman to woman.”

Several women I know have asked for me an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and to straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
– That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so she calls you.
– That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”
– That’s Spam.